Protect. Your. Energy!

The only mantra we need going into the new year.

Hello lovely reader, and welcome back to Airhead! It’s the first edition of 2024 – thank you so much for being here. I’ve slowly slowly been getting back on my feet after what can best be described as a burnout-come-breakdown at the end of the year. I wanted so badly to start up on the first Saturday of the new year with a freshly prepared manifesto on everything you can expect from Airhead this year, but I was already falling into a trap of trying to achieve too much too soon, and not allowing space for proper rest and recovery. Even as I write this now I am unsure if I am ready to reopen.

It’s a funny thing reaching rock bottom, because life just goes on. You wake up each day and endure, in some form or another. Gradually things begin to reform, so slowly that the change isn’t noticeable without hindsight. I knew this year had to be different, that I had to be different.

The new years of my past have been characterised by unrealistic goals that have just served to reflect how unhappy I’ve often been in my own skin. For example, resolutions included losing a quarter of my body weight (wish I was joking), start a five step routine every morning and night (from having no routine at all), work out every single day, and so on. Resolutions usually broken within the first week of a new year. Once I went for a run every single day in January, then didn’t run for another 11 months.

I have never enjoyed running (I will admit that maybe I’ve done too much too soon or not done it ‘right’) but I really truly held the belief that I should be a runner, because not being a runner meant unfitness and laziness. I was forcing myself to do something I didn’t enjoy, then becoming frustrated when I inevitably gave it up. There was an allure to being the type of person who goes for a run with no bother.

Resolutions hold the promise of transformation. Through them, we get to imagine ourselves with no flaws, a perfect version of us that eats well all the time, exercises, maintains a thriving social life while being recognised at work and simultaneously runs a good home that’s clean and tidy, enjoys a good love life, and being on top of life admin and maintaining fun extracurricular activities like painting and ballet. When I write it all out like this, it looks ludicrous. No wonder we’re always feeling like it’s impossible for all areas of life to be going well at the same time. They can’t! There’s simply not enough hours or effort in the day to be doing all of this. But I will feel like I’m failing until the day I achieve all of the above.

During a recent therapy session, we were discussing my perfectionism. I have an ingrained belief that if I am perfect, I can’t be hurt by the world.

“Maybe there are lots of benefits that come with being perfect,” my therapist said. “But have you considered how much effort it takes to get that way? How difficult it is to keep being perfect? Do you think being perfect is easy?”

I considered it. Perfect was always something I’d perceived in snapshot moments of other people, where whatever they did or had highlighted that lack I felt in myself. Me just trying to be perfect was exhausting. It was the end of another year of perfectionism and I was tired, empty and broken.

In the quieter moments of a sober New Year’s Eve (again, the first one in years) I had just one goal in mind: to look after myself.

The tendencies that led me to rock bottom are still there. There’s perfectionism, people-pleasing, self-sabotage and a strong tendency to give myself what I want rather than what I need. But the greatest thing I am giving myself this year is awareness.

I was stressing to a friend about the looming implications of going back to normal life before I felt ready. The memory of December was still raw and fresh in my mind, and the idea of going back to anything like that spiked anxiety, sharp in my chest. She told me, quite simply, to protect my energy. It was the same thing I’d told her the year before when she’d had a tough time. On the same day I saw another friend, who told me the exact same thing. It had also been my advice to her.

When the universe sends you two messages in the same day, it’s probably wise to listen.

We’re three weeks into January and I have just been careful, so so careful, treating myself as I would someone who is just learning to walk again after an accident. I recognise the habits that got me to where I was last year. Overpromising and overbooking myself, doing crazy things like travelling two hours into London just so that I didn’t let someone down, pushing through even when my body was telling me to take it easy, being all or nothing with my habits and energy. So far I’ve gently eased myself into a few hours a day of work. I’ve cancelled plans, or waited until I was ready to book plans in. When I’m tired, I listen to myself. I’m resting a lot.

Every time I choose myself, genuine joy lights up inside me. My body is saying finally. We’re taking care of us first.

Things are going to change because they have to. My friend and I now say to each other: protect your energy, and people-please yourself.

Sending you the strength to start doing the same.

A note on Airhead in 2024:

Posts will come out every week on a Saturday morning (I like to imagine it as the start of a cosy weekend in bed with your beverage of choice).

Alongside the usual, you can expect more fashion content (especially during awards season) as well as a broader look at culture and entertainment, expanding to films, TV and podcasts too. I’d be delighted to hear from you what you’d like to read more of, so if you feel so inclined please do leave a comment by clicking on the button below.

I’m introducing a new segment called ‘Ask Airhead’ where you can anonymously ask questions via this form here and I will discuss with lots of research in a dedicated post. It can be anything from personal dilemmas about friends, family, sex, relationships to careers and goals, to creativity, creating, writing and more.

I have added the option to become a paid subscriber to Airhead, for £5 a month or 50p cheaper than the price of a Toblerone without clubcard in Tesco (I’m as shocked as you are). I know that you have a ridiculous number of demands on your money every month so there is absolutely no obligation to contribute at this point since I’m not offering anything regularly additional for paid subscribers (yet). It’s mainly a chance to support the newsletter and help me dedicate more time to write it. I also believe writers should be paid for their work, and I realise the crucial importance of paid subscribers to keeping a project like this going. I’m in the fortunate position where I’m not reliant on income from this so it can stay as a passion project rather than a job, but in September this year I do have plans to paywall content and have additional offerings for paid subscribers. A long old spiel to say that if you would like to join this community as a paid subscriber, I would be very honoured and grateful, but I appreciate you being here whether there’s money involved or not. Your support means everything, and I’m so excited to write Airhead for you this year.

As you may know, my mental health is not the strongest, so with this in mind I will be being kinder to myself and taking a break if I need to. This will be communicated via email or the Notes section on the Substack app. It’s a really scary thing to say as it feels like admitting defeat before I’ve even started, but no conversation about ‘prioritising your mental health’ is going to change unless it’s backed up by action. (Excuse me while my people-pleasing self goes to sweat nervously in a corner).

And finally, newsletters like Airhead only grow through word-of-mouth. If there’s someone you know who might like this and be a part of our little corner of the internet, then please do forward / send / share.

That’s everything! Thank you so much for being here, and Happy New Year! xx