Helping My Head
Remedies for anxious or sad minds.
I wake up and immediately the anxiety is there, pressing against my heart and throat. I try to focus on my breathing, but that seems to make my heart beat faster. Hold on just a moment, love, I think to myself, speaking kindly to myself as I would a child, think of how far you’ve come (how far you have to go). The negative response arises almost immediately, but I repeat to myself sternly: think of how far you’ve come.
The rise in cortisol that wakes me up in the morning (especially when triggered by a phone alarm) often spikes my anxiety in this way, and I start the day feeling overwhelmed and useless. My brain sends itself down a self-indulgent, miserable spiral, reminding me of my unhappiness, telling me I will never amount to anything no matter how hard I try.
I’ve read lots of self-help books. It feels slightly embarrassing to admit that, the same way people might not want to say that they are in therapy, but I’ve often felt that other people might have a secret way of living that I don’t know about, that makes their life easier to live. If I could just get in on the secret to a happier life… There have been lots of good books, like Atomic Habits and Untamed, but even when the message resonates, I can come away feeling motivated and implementing the changes, then fall off the bandwagon a few days later, once the rush of turning my life around has worn off and reality sinks in.
To combat my anxiety and low moods, I’ve known for a long time that I would need to make changes to my life, changes that would set me up better to cope with the nature of my mental health.
Knowing about these changes versus actually implementing them is quite a different story.
I’m an ‘all or nothing’ kind of gal, which serves me in some ways but sets me back in others. My feelings of overwhelm this morning came from thinking: ‘well, I’m so far away from the person I want to be. I haven’t done X, Y or Z. I see evidence of my failures in my surroundings - there’s chocolate wrappers on the floor from when I ate too much last night and made myself feel sick. There’s my old laptop, which has an entire novel on it, lying dormant because I can’t seem to get over my perfectionism. There’s a pile of clothes that I haven’t put away because I’m lazy. I see articles that other, more successful people have written and I feel inadequate. I’m not getting better fast enough - why do I feel so stressed when the day hasn’t even started yet?’
And so on.
A spiral of sticky negativity that catches more and more thoughts as it spins around my head, becoming larger and larger until it’s all I can think.
I have made progress, however, and while I would never prescribe a one-size-fits-all approach for mental health, I’d like to share a few things that I’ve actually managed to implement.
As someone who is all or nothing, it’s so easy for me to become disheartened when I’m not 100% there yet. Small progress often feels frustrating and unfulfilling as I constantly compare the 1% to the whole picture, then feel dissatisfied with my efforts and like there is no point me trying to implement change at all. I’ll never be all the way over there where I want to be, so let’s just quit now while we have some dignity left. I’m combatting this by reminding myself every day of just how far I’ve come. Here’s one of my favourite illustrations that I’ve done which I think perfectly demonstrates this feeling:
In The How by Yrsa Daley-Ward, she recommends a practice of daily gratitude.
This isn’t a new idea, but there are lots of people in the wellness and mental health space who really recommend writing a list of a few things (or everything) that you’re grateful for every day. The aim is to reframe the way you look at your life, a reminder of everything that’s good when we are often poised to focus on the negatives.
Yesterday marks one month since I read Yrsa’s book, opened up a beautiful notebook, and wrote down a few things that I’m grateful for every day. I made the practice easy for myself by putting the notebook and pen on my bedside table, so I would see it in the evenings and be reminded to write.
How did it go? Have I found benefits from the practice?
Firstly, I’m just proud that I managed to keep it up every day for 30 days.
It is an enjoyable thing to do to look back at your day to find highlights. It’s also a nice thing to have with you generally, so that you can flick back through all the good things in your life.
I recently had a swim and for some reason it made me so grateful to be alive. Gratitude has forced me to appreciate where I am in the present.
In terms of general mental positivity, I wouldn’t say that too much has changed. I often forget about the gratitude until the evening, so actively searching for things that I’m grateful for during the day hasn’t happened so much (unless I have a really strong moment of joy like the swim, or being around friends). As I continue this habit, I wonder if that will change.
For fun, here are a handful of my gratitude moments over the last month - if you have any you’d like to share, please do leave a comment 💕 I’d love to hear from you!
I’m grateful for:
The flexible diary of a tattoo artist
Birds flying silently across the sky at sunset
My mind
Socks and shoes
My gorgeous purple suitcase
People doing research and bringing awareness to period pain
My body
Sex and the City
A not bad commute
A good patch of grass
Supermarkets
Jane Austen
The second habit that I’ve implemented also involves a book by my bedside table. This time, it’s for tracking my health and how I feel in a short few words. This has a lot to do with October’s Book of the Month (I’m so proud of the newsletter and really excited to share it with you!), so without giving too much away it made me realise that I should keep tabs on my mood and health. It’s more as a study on myself, to see if there are links between how I feel and my physical symptoms. It’s good to have data with which to understand yourself, for example if you always cry when you’ve had less than six hours sleep, or your head hurts when you’ve had more than five hours of screen time. Through understanding, we can create more compassion towards ourselves. The key to this one is making it short, quick and easy. I write the date and no more than three or four words describing how I feel: 20/09/2023 Tired, anxious. Woohooo!
The third thing I’ve saved until last, as it’s the newest of the three and the one I’m finding the most effective. A few weeks ago, a writer called Elizabeth Gilbert joined Substack, and lots of people got very excited. I didn’t really know who she was but followed the hype train out of the station and subscribed, curious to see exactly what all the fuss was about (I later discovered she wrote Eat, Pray, Love and had Julia Roberts play her in the film adaptation of her book - oops).
I read her first post with a little confusion, and soon discovered a practice that I can honestly say has already changed my life and is one that I will continue to do as long as I can hold a pen. Guess what? It also starts with a pretty notebook next to my bed.
The premise, which she explains in her first post and also here, is to write yourself a letter from a place of unconditional love. Speaking to yourself as you would to a child, a friend, a beloved animal, with kindness and compassion, write the words:
Dear Love, what would you have me know today?
Then write. It’s not meant to be perfect, or for anyone else to see, it’s simply the ritual of speaking to yourself with the same kindness and love that you give to everyone around you, but not to yourself. It might sound like a weird idea, and maybe it is, but I have been writing to myself from love every day for seventeen days, and there is a glow in my chest that comes when I pick up the pen and open the notebook. As someone who gives far too much space to the darkness, I know that every time I write to myself, the light grows.
Here’s a recent one of mine:
Dear Love, what would you have me know today?
Thank you for letting me write to you. Conflicting times, times of change, and you’re drained of energy, so be aware of that. I’m finding it hard to reach you today because you’re far away and wrapped up in your own thoughts. It’s these times when it’s darker that I need you to find your way back to me. Keep going. Love lies ahead, but it is also with you here and now. I’m with you, keeping you safe.
I love you even when you can’t hear me.
Everyone will do their letters differently, but it really is a joy.
It’s funny how today started with me feeling as though I’m so far away from being everything I want to be, but reading this back I’m reminded of how much I already do. Three different notebooks by my bed are slowly helping me to help myself.
Pleased to share that I am an affiliate of Bookshop.org. All books mentioned in Airhead can be found on my page here.